How to… GET A BOYFRIEND

…Or just some action.

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The shit kids come out with. But this girl hit the nail on the head, she knows. (may as well not read my blog she just told you)

Yes I am aware that I am single, I’m reminded every day when I want to get drunk but every ones wifed up blergh. I have however, had boyfriends in the past and little flings…if that is even a term used but I don’t know what else to call them. Romantic connections??? No too mature for me and half of them didn’t even know how romance worked. No hard feelings though boys. This post has been inspired by a friend who has been single for some time now and is on the hunt for a man cause she lonely af. Fuck it I may as well make an advert for her.

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Lonely but adventurous 23-year-old girl (not a woman as of yet, still needs to mature, she’s not quite Remy Martin material yet) from London, term times Cardiff, seeks male of Catholic background and preferably Irish but that is her being picky and she can’t really afford to be. Must be in the age group of 20-26, yes she does fancy a younger man. Not too tall because she is a oompa loompa, fake tanned to shit and so short. Must have dark blonde-dark dark hair. More tanned than her (not hard to beat she is naturally whiter than white). Funny but sensitive towards her feelings and is motivated/focused on his life. She has a thing for good teeth so make sure you brush them and whiten them yeah. Oh and good hygiene. If you fit any of the above criteria, even just the one, then give me a message and I will forward her details on to you. I’m sure she will appreciate any kind of attention the desperate virgin.

 

Lol this is a bit of a bait post because I’m literally giving away my sort of tactics and now any boy I have ever been involved with that even bothers to read this is going to be like ‘ohh yeah the little snake did do that, god she’s smart.’

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WOMAN CHATTING UP THE MALE. It’s sexy and shows confidence.

Remember when people used to add you on facebook and poke you and that was considered flirting??? Yeah well just remember that and don’t do it.

So you are on facebook. The whole friends suggestion thing pops up and you fancy a nosy. You come across a guy that from afar looks quite hot and you have more than 50 mutual friends. You think ‘hmm okay, I see you.’ So you click on his profile. Immediately you have to look at his pictures. Ooooo what a hot spice he is. Plenty of mutual friends so obviously must be nearby and your mutual friends are people you actually know quite well. You contemplate adding him but then you think ‘instagram will most likely show the real him.’ You go on instagram and if you are as pro as me you should find him in 0.3 seconds. The images on his insta are just fire. You scrap the idea of adding him on facebook and you go straight in for the follow on insta. If he doesn’t follow back within a couple of days, find another man. He was a waste of your stalking time. But lucky you, he followed back!

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LIKE THEM ALL jk don’t actually you keen freak

Now you have to play it cool and just wait until he drops an image on insta. You just have to hope he posts a picture of himself or a funny meme that you can like. You don’t want to be too beggy and start liking pictures of his dog or some average scenic views or his creps. Be cool .Okay, so you liked that picture. If you haven’t dropped a bomb ass selfie then now is the time to do so. Or if you are super lucky he might just start liking old pictures. This is the like game okay. Keep doing this for a week or so (you have to just hope he’s a regular poster on insta or just go in and like his old pics back if he did that). If he has not messaged you as of yet and it has been a week but is liking your pictures do not panic!! You are still in the game. Pluck up the courage and message him. Just jump in his dm’s. Be creative and funny. Congratulations, you just made the first move.

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I have done that once, twice, maybe a bit more… and it works. GOD I hate myself right now. I feel like such a little tart. I don’t mind telling all though as I’m focusing on my life not boys. I DON’T WANT A BAE.

Now you need to up your flirting game. The first lot of messages are crucial. VERY VITAL THAT YOU PLAY IT RIGHT. He might not like the whole flirty shit. He might like the mature type of conversation. Those I avoid cause they are more of your husband material and I don’t want to be tied down to the boring shit from the start. Remember though, it’s not all about impressing him, he might not impress you and you will probably be let down cause he’s a looker with a personality that does not quite suit yours or vice versa.

I normally spend this ‘talking’ period taking selfies and posting them up just so he can see what I have to offer you know. Maybe I am just feeling myself which is why I post selfies, don’t always assume it is for a guy. It is plausible to just want to feel good and boost the ego alright.

If all goes to plan, he might start hinting that he wants to meet you. You agree and set a day to meet. Doesn’t matter what you plan to do, you have to look FIERCE. That does not necessarily mean glammed to perfection. Just do how you feel you look best. (Look at me being all nice and stuff).

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They day has arrived. You look hotter than hell and you are about to meet for the first time. First you have to check his shoe game, then look at his torso attire, then his hair and now you can check out his face. Yeah that is actually a thing I do… I like a man with style and good hair. This is where I decide whether I fancy him appearance wise. While doing all of this of course you must be engaging in conversation. This will also help you decide if you fancy him but do not let the first conversation be the ultimatum. Give that one some time.

Alright, so you fancy the fuck out him. Give him the ‘come fuck me’ eyes now and then and the cheeky smiles so he is aware that you want that. He might have a dead personality, he might be too much or he may be just alright.

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Now if you are looking for a boyfriend you don’t want to tell him from the start because he will just think desperate. You need to see where things go and how well they go before you start dropping bombs like that. However, if one of you does only want a little casual thing, say from the start because that will stop any heartbreaks. Once it gets to the stage of where you both talk about what you want, make sure you are honest.

Take note:

  • It is ok to be single. You do not need a man to complete your life just yet. Just aim for some meet ups to help get you back into the game
  • Not all guys are creeps. You will come across as a pretentious bitch if you are known to pie a lot of lads in a harsh way. You can reply to a guy.
  • It’s okay if you do not like him.
  • Make him feel comfotable around you by being comfortable around him.
  • Try to be a more confident you if that is how you roll or just be completely you cause you a boss ass bitch.
  • Keep your business on the low low. Why shout it about when you don’t even know what the deal is between you both? Could be a casual thing, could be more. Nothing worse than the hassle of having to explain to people why you aren’t meeting or that you aren’t actually together.
  • Guys like the chase a little too much. Dangle in front of them but be slightly out of reach. They will go crazy for it and will desire the chase.
  • Have an organised busy life. Show some signs of ambition but be a fun person. I would say be positive but I am such a negative person but I am still super fun (in a sarcastic way).
  • Stalk the shit out of him. It’s crazy but you will see the type of guy he is. Whether he likes loads of girls selfies (fuckboy signs), the kind of memes and captions he posts (possible fuckboy signs*) and even the type of selfies he uploads. Of course don’t tell him but at least you have a heads up.

I’m still single so maybe my approaches aren’t 100% the right way to go about all this and maybe it is more suited for little hook ups. Hmmm. However, I do reply to slightly attractive boys if I was to ever get a boy to message me.. (not a hint I am cool on my own thank you )

Boys change their mind on the kind of girls they would take home to mumma too often. It’s hard to keep up with what they like. They also say one thing but mean another which is why girls go crazy. ‘I do not like girls who flaunt it all over insta’ *likes 6 pictures of practically naked girls*

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I mean there are other ways of meeting guys like at a sophisticated bar, dating sites etc etc but I do not know how that works cause that’s not me.

 

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