Yeah I know. Just breathing will piss her off. Trust me you do it too loud, be quieter. If you don’t want to take the romantic approach then go ahead, take this guide on how to be the world’s most apathetic boyfriend.

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Don’t be like Kanye. He has been doing it wrong.

The honeymoon period is coming to a bitter close and you are both starting to get comfortable. Maybe a little too comfortable… Well what is more comfortable then beginning to piss your girlfriend off. In each others company, you both began by hardly looking at your phone which kept her sweet. You have done ok but let’s do better and annoy her by spending a lot of time on your phone texting other people, reading the LAD bible, watching funny football vines. When she asks ‘who is that?’ or ‘why are you laughing at your phone?’ Just tell her ‘don’t you worry.’ This will come across as mysterious, she will love it. Plus not giving her your full attention shows you do love yourself and that you care about what is going on in the world, like the fact Sally who works in KFC is pregnant at 16 and her baby daddy just left her.

Now she knows you enjoy your phones company, take ages to reply to her texts, especially when she needs an answer to something. Your princess knows you have that device glued to your hand but you not replying shows her that you are playing hard to get and that you want to keep her keen. Then when you do reply, reply with a text you were meant to send to someone else (preferably a girl). Don’t forget the winky face and kisses. Show her that you have other friends and they are just as important.


Set plans for a romantic date to Wetherspoons, after all it is Mexican Monday. Get her all excited then BAM an hour before you are meant to set off to paradise, swerve her because you forgot you made plans with the boys to watch the footy and have a beer. Also, make plans with your friends, a lot, and never invite her. Show her that you have your own life and that you are not 100% reliant on her and clingy. She will respect that you have other commitments.

Sex. Sex. Sex. All you need to talk about is sex. Always try it on with her. Tell her cuddles are overrated and it’s the vitamin D she actually needs. Mention all those moves you have done with other girls but not with her because she really likes thinking about you engaging in sexual relations with your ex, it really sets the mood. What’s better than letting her think about how much of an adventurous sex life you had with past girls? (Pick me, pick me, I know). Constantly asking to do anal. You know she only wants you through the front door but now its time to visit the back door. So ask away, every day. This will show you are not a quitter and that you follow your dreams.

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Family. Friends. She doesn’t need to be introduced to them. Don’t take her to meet them. It’s not like she is another important piece of your life. You know they will get on so what is the worry? You should never mix your intimate relationships with family and friends which is why she won’t kick off about it. You just want privacy about your relationship and she gets that. She probably doesn’t even want to meet them anyway.

Ask really dumb questions. One question girls love to hear after they have just had a huge rant at you, (I don’t know why you have been nothing but great), is ‘are you on your period?’ You are showing concern and making her aware you understand the female body. She is most likely not on her period but at least you tried to provide comfort.


Your misses has that one really hot friend, so tell her you think her bestie is hot. Not just once, but every time her friend gets brought into conversation. Even when she just suddenly pops up on your news feed, your girlfriend needs to know you think she is hot. She won’t mind because she thinks you are just being supportive like she is when she brags about her hot gal pal. Use the terms ‘I would’ and ‘Look at those bongos!!’ Show your girl you appreciate her friends good physique and that you respect the female body.

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What your girlfriends hot mate looks like in your head.

So you have been together a long time now, it’s a serious relationship, all going smooth (ish), just booked that holiday to Majorca so why don’t you go and like another girls selfie. She was 10/10 in it and your girlfriend will definitely agree. She for sure wont slag her off and screenshot the evidence and send it to her mates who then form a hate club against the girl who did nothing but look banging. Nooooo she wouldn’t. She will be happy that you have eyes for other girls and that you aren’t a wet piece who is tied down to just her.

Go away to uni and become a UNILAD. Make new friends, preferably those who are single, take selfies with the girls where you are cheek to cheek and making kissy faces, maybe even get into bed with one and post a picture of this on to facebook for the world to see. Then when your girlfriend asks for a picture, refuse to get in it and make her delete any photos of you. Later on post a picture of you and one of the girls. You don’t want a public relationship, she gets it. Become the guy you said you never would be at uni. That guy ignores his girl and never makes time for her. Your girl will understand that you are at uni now and have to act like a single lad else no one will like you.

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Lastly, make sure you apologise for all your bad behaviours she despises in you but continue to do it. Stay how you are. She will appreciate that you have know who you truly are and that you do not change for anyone.

If she leaves you because of the above points, don’t worry, she never deserved to have you. You can do so much better.So make sure you write tweets about how much better you can do, just to piss her off that little bit more. Remember guys, the aim of the relationship is to do the worst job you can. Prince Charming’s do not exist.

God all this talk about how to piss off your girl is really making me start to miss my ex’s….



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